devoured by shame.

I wrote this paper for a class in twenty minutes.  It's pretty brutal.   But it speaks my heart.

When I chose to come to North Central I quickly became very anxious and excited to come to school.  I just could not wait to experience God every day.  I needed something more.  My first two years of college at St. Cloud State were just not living up to my standards.  I felt like I needed to be around more Christians.  I needed guidance.  There were so many holes in St. Cloud that I just easily seemed to slip into.   Everyday I would find my self in more trouble.  Drugs and alcohol quickly consumed my wants and needs.  I was surrounded by sin and it devoured my heart.  I was so lost, but yet I still had this incredible love for Jesus, and I just wanted to spread that love.  Somehow.  I just felt so alone in my journey.   There was no one I could talk to, no one I could share my faith with.  It was awful.  I went to school every day and tried so hard to put a smile on my face, but inside I was being eaten alive by something, something that was destroying me.   I needed something.   Something to keep me alive.  I was desperate for change.  

It was spring semester of last year.   Finals week had just started.   I was sitting on my bed in my apartment, bawling my eyes out, begging God for forgiveness.  This was such a low point in my life.  I was failing one of my classes, one of my professors hadn't passed me onto the next level for Voice lessons, and a boy had just ripped my heart out and thrown it onto the floor.   Suddenly something popped into my head.   Now, I've always been pretty in-tune to what God is doing in my life.  He has spoken to me three times and they have all been pretty clear to me.  I knew this was God.   I had never even heard of North Central University, but He put it in my head.  So I googled it, applied, and got accepted all within two weeks.

I was ecstatic.  Finally I would have something new and exciting in my life.  I could finally get out of the dark pit that I had been drowning in for two years.  My family and friends thought I was crazy.   "Do you know how crazy those people are Keisha?" "You're going to turn into such a hypocrite!" "How are you going to handle being constrained to all the rules?"  Their kind words scared the living daylights out of me.  They were right.  I needed a miracle to actually survive this place.   But I knew I had to go.  God told me!  I could not just say no to God.   When He opens a door I just have to go through it.  I have no other option.  

Summer quickly came to a close and I was so sad to leave.  I had the best summer of my life.  I was clean, my friends really started to accept me for who I was, I had an incredible time being a youth pastor at a local church.   I was extremely happy with the summer as a whole.  I learned so much.  All I wanted to do was stay.  But I couldn't.   August 29th came around and I knew I had no choice but to pack up all my things and say goodbye to everything and anything that I had ever known.   I was sick to my stomach.  I knew no one in Minneapolis.   Once again my heart was crushed and it was just starting to heal...

And so it goes.  Move-in day arrived, my parents dropped me off, they said goodbye and I was completely alone.   Already I had horrible thoughts of North Central and as soon as I got settled in the thoughts became more real.  It was quite haunting.  I've always been an observer.  I'm always watching people, trying to learn how they live their lives.  My observations were definitely not good ones.  Everything seemed so off to me.   The majority of people just seemed so fake.  I couldn't even tell if they had the love of Jesus living inside of them!  Chapel disgusted me.  For one hour of the day these people are on their knees, crying out to Jesus, repenting, screaming, jumping for joy, lying on the floor, ABSOLUTELY INSANE FOR JESUS.   At first I thought that was incredible.  To be so alive, so passionate for this guy who gave everything for us, that's true love right there.   But then I met these people.   I observed.   I listened.  I talked.   These people are putting on a show!  Their actions from 8:00 am - 11:00 am and 12:00 pm to 12:00 am do not even resemble the person they are from 11:00 am - 12:00 pm.  All they preach about in chapel is to love.  But I haven't even seen love!  Why aren't people reaching out to our brothers and sisters in need?  Where is the compassion?  In all of my life I've never heard people judge other people so much.   I was sick to my stomach.   And it started to bring me down, way down.

To be 100% honest this whole month and a half has been a complete blur to me.   I feel like I'm living in a cloud.   I can't see the good in people.  I can't even see Jesus in the people here.  I can't find Him.  I keep looking but I am just completely lost.   I need something real.  Something tangible.  The fire has died here.  People keep telling us how we need to bring the love of Christ to other people but to be honest I think we need it here more than anything.  This is a sick and twisted place.   I want my Jesus back.   I want to wake up every day and just be so thankful for everything that He is doing in my life.  I can't see it.  

If there's one thing I've learned here its that I can't run away from my problems.   Maybe I should go back to St. Cloud.   Maybe I should stay.  I have no idea.   I've never been so alone in my life.   I'm just dying for something...