The atlantic was born to day..

Sorrow.
Shame.
Anger.
Exhaustion.
Regret.
Confusion.
Aggravation.
Depression.

For three months all of these emotions, feelings, whatever-you-want-to-call-it's have been hovering around me like a black cloud.  From the moment I arrived in Minneapolis I was a mess.   I was so excited to come here.  I was just itching to get out of my house to finally be away from my parents, my jobs, and even some of my friends.  It was an opportunity for me to start a totally new life - a life free of sinful things and all of my regrets.  In my mind everything was going to be perfect when I started this "new life."  I would be surrounded by Christian people, Christian traditions, Christian rules, Christian music, Christian clothes - all things that I actually enjoyed (pre-northcentral.)  I was stoked.  Truly.  So why did my opinion change drastically the moment I stepped foot in the doors of Miller Hall?

Things went dramatically down hill from there obviously.  Three months of absolute hell.  The details are irrelevant at this point.  Everything is just a blur to me anyways.  Never in my life have I ever felt so alone.  No one can see my point of view.  Everyone just tells me I need to lose my attitude.  Or as my good friend said the other day "You need to read your bible fifteen minutes a day and pray fifteen minutes a day and go to chapel every day and journal fifteen minutes a day." But is that really what I need?  Will those things really help me?  Not a day has gone by without me begging God to change something.  Change my attitude, change my opinions, change anything.  I just need something to get me out of this hole because I just keep digging deeper and deeper...


Today I had a slight epiphany.
I was thinking to myself this afternoon that I had a really good week.
*Some drama had died down with a couple of friends and I could actually look my friends in the eyes.
*I got together with an old friend a few times and we had an amazing time together (uptown love!!!)  I know that I'm having a good time when I almost pee my pants.  It was so great to see her again.  She is a sister to me, full of love and compassion and such a beautiful heart.  I am so thankful she lives so close.  I can actually see God blessing her -- she reflects His love!
*It's the week before finals.  I prayed a few times for God to just give me a calm spirit and to just give me the courage to just persist through everything.  Voice juries are TOMORROW.  And I'm blogging.  Yeah, I'm definitely calm.  Weird how some things work....
*I got into a huge fight with my closet friend here (I won't give names).  It took a huge toll on me.  He made me extremely upset.  But then we talked again.   And things got better.  A whole lot better.  I suppose that could be a whole different blog....
*I got a job but then they called me and told me they couldn't hire me until maybe after break. Oh well.  Calm spirit?
And most importantly:
*My smile is slowly coming back.  Today while I was walking to Mensing in the blistering cold wintery weather I realized how beautiful the snow actually is.  I was constantly looking at my feet while I was walking and I began to slowly trip out.  Maybe it was just today but it seemed like the snow was extra glittery.   I was in awe.  Such a beautiful creation by a beautiful creator...... Also, I actually talked to some girls in choir today and it wasn't even bad. And I smiled at a lot of people .. and I didn't have to force it!  ..My guitar lesson was great.  Kevin made me sing and play my song that I have to sing for Christmas Eve and it made me feel just so comfortable... haven't had that feeling in oh, maybe three months.

Back to the epiphany:
I was sitting in New Testament this morning at eight o fricking crack of dawn clock and a thought popped into my head.  People Serving People.  What?  And then I thought some more.  Oh yes, the weekend long mission trip to MPLS when I was in 10th grade.  And then another thought popped into my head.  About two months ago I was at Nick's house and he mentioned walking past the People Serving People building downtown.  And then another thought: should I volunteer there? Yes.  So I filled out a huge application and got an email about an hour later.  "We are currently booked for the month of December.  Email us in January and we can set up a time to tour the facility and assign you to something."  Glory!!!!!  This could be exactly what I need.  I read on their website that 2/3 of the people that they house are children.  That broke my heart.  It was -8 last night.  Just think of all the children on the streets of Minneapolis right now.... Maybe this is God telling me to start my own homeless shelter....
Oh the thoughts that go through my head.

Anyways.  I hadn't intended on writing a blog more that one paragraph.  This is originally what I was going to write.
My friend Tony talked to me at dinner tonight.  He told me the news that he was moving to Kansas City next thursday to do an internship with IHOP.  I expressed my feelings to him about how I would love to just get all my stuff and just move somewhere.  Then I realized that that is essentially what I did.  He took one look at me and said, "Wherever you go, there you'll be."

I can't run away from my problems.  No matter where I go they will be with me forever.
Wherever I go, there I am.  Wherever I go, there I am.   Minneapolis.  Minneapolis.   Minneapolis.  I'm here for a reason.  I'm here in Minneapolis at this school for a reason.
For reasons.  
For something..